''If I told you about all the darkness inside of me...would you still look at me like I am the sun?''

I talked about the purpose and concept of this blog a little while back, and how that purpose got lost along the way. ''Lost along the way'' like that one All time low song. It got me thinking if perhaps we aren't all a little lost. One way or another. And I was thinking if that's really such a bad thing? You know how it is in Italy right? You're supposed to get a little lost to discover the best and the unknown places. Maybe life is kinda like that too? Maybe you have to be a little lost to discover things you never would if you stick to the charted path. I'm one to speak right? My life was never charted, never mapped out. I don't know what I'm doing half of the time, my motto is ''fake it till you make it''. I feel like whoever claimed I'm an adult is high on crack cocaine...but...what if this mess is how my life is supposed to be? So I don't have shit figured out, fine, who does, maybe that's how it's supposed to be? Chaotic and a perfect mess like I am? Maybe I just Worship Chaos huh? I don't know...just thinking out loud. Been doing that a lot lately. Looking at things from a different angle, from a different perspective. Learning new things about myself. About life. About art. About what inspires me, about what makes me happy and content and  creative. It's been quite the journey not going to lie. Chaotic, messy, eye opening journey. 

Why do we spend so much time comparing ourselves and our accomplishments with others? Some people have it all figured out and a house and 2,5 kids and a career all before they're 25 and some don't. Why does that determine their worth? Some artists are published with tons of likes on each of their posts and some aren't, again that shouldn't determine their worth or talent? Why do people play that ''kinder kuche kirche'' boring mundane talks with you really? They don't care about your life one bit, they wanna measure you, they wanna adapt the level of respect and tone of conversation to that. That's what they're doing. Because believe me, their attitude towards you will be drastically different if you're a cleaning lady or a judge. We got lost along the way, determining our worth on things that don't matter, things that shouldn't matter. What should matter is our humanity, who we are as people, our empathy, our compassion, our amore, that should be the determining factor of what you're worth. 

And it sure as hell shouldn't be about ''finding yourself''. It should always be about creating yourself. It should be about inspiring others to create too, it should be...building the best version of you you can be, for yourself, not for others. I don't know why we allow others to influence us so much, why we allow them to dim our lights, why we adapt and change for them. Why we change to fit in? That's pure bullshit. I sure as hell strongly believe if you don't like me for me, even on my worst days, even with all my flaws, then you sure as hell don't deserve me on my good days, and you sure as hell don't deserve the good parts. Same with friendships, it's not real if I have to play pretend, walk on eggshells or change just to be accepted. I'm rather lonely, because in reality nothing, no loneliness, no nothing is worse than being in a room full of people and feeling alone. 

Ironically just a few days ago someone told me it's pure chaos in my soul, and pure madness in my head, and pure electricity in my veins, and too much love in my heart, and how that is what he loves most about me, all the things other people hate, those are his favourite. I was taken aback, because all the things everyone in my life pointed out as flaws...they're not really flaws at all. I was being made insecure because...what is a confident woman really? Capable of burning the whole world down aint she? Capable of brining every man down to his knees aint she? People say they can handle storms so you'd let them in but then it turns out they can handle a drizzle and you're a hurricane. You know what I mean? I don't know where I'm going with this, like I said pure chaos but sometimes you just gotta put it out there and hope your words resonate with someone else too. The point is I was always made believe that I was too much. Too much of this too much of that, but the irony is I was just enough for someone, only never lucky enough to be surrounded by my someones. 

I was also told recently that I'm a paradox, confusing, intriguing. Sometimes completely insecure in everything I do, sometimes confident to a point I come off narcissistic. I can be warm, kind, endearing one minute but then cold, indifferent and aloof the next. Faithful but detached, loving everyone yet hating everybody.True. But my behaviour very much depends on who it's directed at, you get what you deserve really. Some days I can spend hours just babbling about my passions, about the universe, about life, about my inspirations and creations and sometimes expecting a simple smile is too much. I was told I was an enigma without any possible way of being solved, and that I really shouldn't be anyways, some things shouldn't be understood, some things should only be accepted and / or loved as they are, don't you agree? Isn't that how art is also supposed to be? Not understood, but loved? You don't buy a painting because of a clear clean soulless bouquet of flowers that's painted do you? You buy it because you love it. You buy it with your heart. 

Which brings us to this mind blowing enlightenment I got. I told you I went all ''eat, pray, love'' right? Well differently. But same concept. Discovering things, understanding things, etc. I had a hard time understanding why people always ended up walking out of my life. It was something that happened always no matter what, and I was just thinking, what the hell is the matter with me? Why is this happening all the time? Well. It's not me. It is. But it also isn't. I honestly think people who claimed to love me never did, they loved an idea of me in their head, an illusion, a version of me I allowed them to see, not pretending per say just, showing them what I wanted them to see and keeping the rest hidden, locked away in a box. People loved the easy versions of me, the easiest things about me to love, and when they saw a glimpse under the surface...that was game over. 

And honestly thinking about it, I'm so many things to so many people. Annoying? Awful? Bitch? Aloof? Stupid? Detached? Kind? The list goes on and on...but who am I to me? How do I define me? I don't honestly even know no more. The one thing, the one thing that's a constant. Artist. Creator. That's who I am. That's who and what I'll always be, no matter what version of me you get to know, that's the one thing all versions have in common, the one thing that can not be changed or altered. 

Most days lately I just do not understand people you know? I understand I can't expect people to see, feel and understand people on the same level I do. That's my tragedy. Understanding people that will never understand me. People make me feel lately like I am drowning but I can't fucking die. All the time. That's why I prefer being alone, alone with people that do understand me, detached, not letting new people in or even close. Maybe that's why I cling to art, to music, to poems, because I desperately want to feel like I'm not alone, like someone out there understands me, and can say it better how I feel than I can.

Maybe that's why spilling my feelings on canvas is just easier. You see the polished perfect portraits but I never share the angry doodles, the paper wet with tears, the shredded pieces when anger and frustration takes over. Paper doesn't judge. Art doesn't judge. Art is a way to escape reality which I find myself needing more often lately. You know that Nietzsche actually said that ''no artist tolerates reality'' I felt that. And I feel it even more now. Reality is becoming more and more difficult to bare. I don't know where I'm going with this really, maybe in the end I am just as lost as Alice and just as mad as the Hatter.

All of these things, all the shit that happened in my life, all the fucked up friendships, relationships, family...that made me wonder if I understand love. I didn't. It made me wonder if I even know what it really is. I didn't. It made me wonder if love is worth fighting for...and all it took for me to look at that one right person and I was ready for war. And that both scares the hell out of me, and excites me. It's one of those things you know...things you don't understand but feel instead. Because you know the reality is nobody understands love, they feel it, they want it. The only issue is because people are in love with the idea of love, but nobody is willing to work for it, to sacrifice, to go to war. And it's me again that's the problem. You ask for a spark and I'll give you a wildfire. I don't know how to love a little. It's either all in or nothing.

I don't know the point I'm trying to get across really, I'm rambling, I'm puttng words out there hoping someone can relate. Letting myself fall hoping to be caught kinda thing. But I know one thing. Creation makes me happy, art defines me. And with all the chaos in me there's also so much love. Love for those who earn it, those that are like me, willing to go to war. Can you imagine what a world it would be, if love was the only thing we fought for? Yeah, me neither. 

Let me end this post with a thank you. Thank you for those that showed me love, thank you for those that inspired me, those that made me create, those that made me smile when I had nothing to smile about, those that were here for me always, even if on the other side of the world in a different time zone. Thank you thank you thank you, for showing me that there is kindness in an unkind world. 

Celebrating this man and his achievements today, thank you for the daily inspiration, I love you.

 

Thank you for all the inspiration, I love you.

 

My Demons follow me where ever I go, they wanna remind me daily that I'm not in control.

It feels like I haven't been writing in forever. Like, you know what I mean, properly sit down and write some thoughts, frustrations, stupidity, insanity. Whichever one works. I started this blog primarily to share art...well, yes, we saw how well that went, ha ha. And to do some travel write ups, well...you know...lol...somewhere along the way it turned into ramblings about music, esentially I turned into a music blogger, which at the end of the day, makes most sense, doesn't it? Music is such an important part of my life, such a huge part of me and the reason for everything good in my life, what the hell else should I be writing about? And also...this blog was and it still is, a safe space, for me to share whatever I feel like sharing, which sometimes made it feel a bit too...depressing. That was never my intention btw, it happened along the way, with emotions I didn't feel comfortable sharing with people around me. Which possibly brings us to why I haven't been writing...life lately has been, dare I say good? Amazing? Fantastic? It's ironic that when things suddenly go really well, I have no words to describe them, I don't know how to put them into words. I don't know how to put happiness into words, maybe I'm just scared of putting a label on it and making it disappear. 

A lot of you have been asking me if anything had changed ever since I got my diagnosis. Yes. And no. Things aren't magically better, or easier at all. But what is easier is how I cope with it. What is easier is understanding. Not that much from the world around me, lets face it that never did and never will show understanding, but understanding myself. You know I am my worst enemy and critic, and understanding that sometimes I can't be okay, and sometimes I can't have my shit together, and there's a damn good reason for that...well that made me less tough on myself. And it made me understand boundaries on a whole new level, and maybe people too. They don't see the world like I do, and that's okay. I just gotta surround myself with people that do. ''Your vibe attracts your tribe''. 

And that's what I did. Surrounded myself with people that understand. People that care. People that are like me, share my passions, views, drive, love, insanity. People who's demons play so well with mine. And I learned the rest should stay in the past. I don't chase people no more, if you want to be in someone's life you make the time not excuses, so if you want to walk out of my life, there's the door. Hell I'll even hold it open for you. 

And you know what? It's been...fucking amazing. Running the risk of sounding a bit cliche but it's like the color is back in the world. Like the grayness and darkness lifted a little. Things are still gloomy and difficult, but they're no longer dominating. There's happiness in between. Being surrounded by happiness...it's...someting else. There's a smile plastered on my face non stop, my chest hurts from laughing not crying, I burned through a 100 page sketch book in a month, couldn't stop creating and without bragging, my art had never been this good. I've allowed the darkness to win and dominate my life for so long that these rays of sunshine now seem unreal. 

I'm still scared though, scared of all of this bursting like a soap bubble and landing in a deeper circle of inferno I've ever been in. I'm not exactly sure I'd cope with that. But you know what also? I'm pushing all these negative thoughts aside and living in the moment. Because what are we essentially if not just moments? Don't let those pass you by. 

ASTP

 

Šepetaj mi koliko me hočeš, ugrizni preden se odločiš. Dokler mi srce ne poči, dokler ne ugasne noč. 

It's meant to be.

Here's a question for my non artistic (and also non autistic) people out there. Do you ever stop to admire art and beauty all around you? I admit lately that feels impossible to find. Where there used to be beauty,  it's now just darkness. But I meant more appreciating random small moments of beauty. What is art essentially? I like to look at it more fluidly than just a statue, or a painting. A person can be art, don't you think? I found myself at an airport just watching people, observing that small moment of their lives, where for that tiny fraction of time your lives collide and you exist at the same time in the same space. Have you ever noticed too, how a hug goodbye and a hug hello are completely different? That was art to me, I got an overwhelming desire to sketch these random moments in time, before they pass me by. The times we live in are so dark and so overwhelming, we really should learn to appreciate even the tiniest rays of love, hope, sun, beauty, art...

But then again, what do I know about beauty, what does any one of us know? In the words of my dearest Mr. Poe ''There is no exquisite beauty without some strangeness in the proportion''. 

I'm writing this offline, I needed a little breather, to step away from the internet. All the darkness on there is absolutely destroying me. Bit by bit. I have a hard time watching Palestine, I mean it's not like our news or any news is covering it, but I see enough from brave young reporters, and it is absolutely killing me. I am embarrassed to be in the so called sophisticated free world, in Europe that is supposedly evolved and god knows what else, and it doesn't lift a finger to help those people, but as soon as Yemen poses a tiny economical threath they get bombed. Okay. I see how it is. But at least I can be proud of my country today, unlike Germany who is on the fast track back into 1938, we are joining South Africa as the first (possibly only?) EU country. And that, that I am proud of. 

I actually came here to do a quick album review, I didn't have enought time to read, lousy excuse I know, but the time I had, I spent drawing, and playing this album on my iPod. 

I've said it before and I'll say it again, Bob Seger is such an underrated artist. And I know, I know many of you will say ''you just love him because of that Risky Business'' scene. No. I don't. I actually never watched Risky Business (gasp! the horror I know!) so I didn't even know what songs are in it, I loved Bob since forever, because he always reminded me of Bruce Springsteen, which is kinda funny if you think about the fact that Bruce actually inspired the song ''Night moves''. And I always loved the way his songs are whole movies, and his voice is so velvety smooth...

Against the wind is actually Bobs 11th studio album and I believe the fourth to feature the Silver bullet band (e street band vibes much?). It is unfortunally also the only number one album which spent six weeks on the American album charts. This is my underated artist issue. All of his albums deserve to be number ones. Not to mention that his career started in the early 60's, but he only really gained fame and success with ''Night moves'' which came out in 1976. Did y'all even know that the super famous Kenny Rogers song ''We've got tonight''? Is actually Bobs? Just saying.

Now this album is interesting, it kinda jumps back and forth from upbeat rock n roll kinda songs, to powerful, deep, meaningful ballads. I always loved that about an album, some variety, some diversity, listening to an album where all 13 to 15 songs sound absolutely the same is boring. It starts of with ''The Horizontal Bop'' my mind goes straight to Poison and ''Unskinny bop'' and they're nothing alike of course but what'cha gonna do...Horizontal bop is kinda heavy, bluesy with this extended musical part at the end. I mean I love that I can hear Chuck Berry in this song, and lets be serious we all know this song is about sex right? And that sells, but on the other hand the negative critique also amuses me, the critics that went after him saying this song will have negative ramifications for women such as unwanted pregnancy....ha.ha.hahaha.hahahahaha. Y'all for real? First thing first, is a pregnancy just a womans problem / fault? And also...I mean I don't know what the hell went down in the 80's, but I can't imagine blaming a song for stupid mistakes. It would have to be November Rain and Axl Rose himself singing it to me in the shower, and even then I can't imagine banging someone just because of a good song that implys sex. Ridiculous. Does that mean Prince is responsible for half of todays population then? Just asking. For a friend. 

That aside, the song is fun but for me it loses all meaning because of the second song. Oh my god let me tell you something I absolutely love it! No, still not enough to sleep with someone because of it, but might have it playing while sleeping with someone I already intended to sleep with. ''You'll Accomp'ny me'' is everything I love about music. It has that story, the melody, the love, the passion. The song is all about longing, longing for love, for companionship, and desire to find someone, someone you can trust to be there through all ups and downs in life. Somone who loves you for you, someone who stays when everyone else walks out. It talks about the basic human need of connection and most importantly hope, hope for a better future, hope of finding your person, hope of someone coming along and sharing all of lifes troubles and wins. The lyrics paint so much vulnerabilty and his voice paints so much emotion, that is what makes this song amazing in my book. 

''I'll take my chances babe, I'll risk it all, I'll win your love, or I'll take the fall, I've made my mind up girl, it's meant to be, someday lady you'll accomp'ny me''.

You just can't beat lyrics like this, and you can't beat the message, a man who knows despite all of the obstacles, roadblocks, other directions life may take you or fear that's stopping you, someday him and the woman of his dreams will be together, not because he decided but beacause it's meant to be. Maybe I'm just a hopeless romantic. Blame the part of me that's Italian, but this...this is everything. 

And opposed to everything we get back to the rockerish, some called it ''screechy voiced'' (I'm looking at you Bill King) song ''Her Strutt''. It's been said to be ''objectifying women'' deep sigh. I mean we went over this before with Cherry Pie didn't we? Why is saying you love watching women strut sexist though? I mean...I honestly do not get it? I might be missing some modern woke point of the story, but I can honestly say as a woman, watching a powerful woman in high heels, STRUT on her way to possibly destroy a man who done did her wrong...that's hella attractive, and at the end of the day men will always find women sexual, confident women are always attractive, and I fail to see the problem in that, problem is belitelling women and problem is lack of consent, not enjoying a nice view. In my opinion. And possibly, just maybe, anyone considered that the word strut just sounds grittier and works better in this song? I don't think ''walk'' would have the same effect. 

The other two songs on this side of the album are also ''No Mans land'' which is kinda hard to listen for me, to be fair. It was written in 1980s and honestly the lyrics (if you actually listen to them) they talk about exactly what I feel is wrong with this world today. The land is not literal land it's just a state of loneliness and uncertainty and fear, which is what I feel runs this planet and messes up all our lives. It's about fear grounding us to the same place, and essentially keeping us from real happiness. Maybe that's what we should fear the most? Fear itself. As the song says, we're constantly searching for something better, something different but we're rarely willing to take on fear and risk it all. And the last song, ''Long twin silver line'' is probably a bit of a filler song, I mean okay I like the meloday that goes in a great ascend in the verse but that's about it.

Now side two starts with ''Against the wind'' obviously, as the name of the album says. I got into an argument once with an idiot over this song. Not fully understanding how he could actually take it so literal, this song is just talking about going against the wind, like sailing, you can't sail against the wind. Sure. You can't. But that is not what this song is about. This is a song about growing up, about getting older, not old, just older, about maturing, about pushing through all of lifes bullshit, heartbreak, sadness, love, exploration, betrayal and good things too, good things that don't need pushing trough, lets call them as we Italians call them ''bonaccia'', my sea loving friends will understand. Pretty sure the idea came from his time of running track, he was a fantastic runner, I bet that came in handy with them crazy fan girls huh? Anyways he would literally run against the wind so I take it that's where the idea is from. At the end of the day what we should take away from this song it's not getting older or life changing, we should take away prioritising, what and who's important in our lives. We rarely do that, we keep rocks and throw away diamonds, we lose time on things that don't matter, we prioritise people that don't deserve it and let those that do slip away. Sometimes people love you and sometimes people use you. As Bob said. But people in this song? They survived the storm, they came out victorious and it made them stronger. And just a side note did ya know Glenn Frey sings back vocals here? Them two were literally best friends.

Ok I love ''Good for me''. Like the song aside for a moment, but how many times in life do we actually ask ourselves if something is ''good'' for us? I sure as hell never do or I'd not be chugging down that fourth glass of whiskey, that I know will come back to bite me in the ass later, or keep around toxic relationships that do nothing but hurt me. I sure as fuck haven't learned yet what IS good for me, given that I still despite everything let certain people walk all over me. But lets get back to the song. This is a song about that one special person that brings out the best in you. The person you know you can be you around, no judgement, no bullshit, nothing but love, just the best version of you you can be. He sings about a woman obviously, but it can be applied to a man too, a person who sucks at being phony, doesn't know how to lie, doesn't pretend or play games, a person that understands space and understands needing support. ''Always by my side, always in the right place at the right time''. A person who's presence in your life makes everything better, positive, happier. I love that this song just paints a picture of a happy balanced relationship, both sides supporting and loving towards eachother, making each others lives richer and contribute to each others growth and happiness. I used to wonder if this song is based on a myth. Do relationships like this still exist? No games, no cheating, no abuse, just love? Is that possible in this day and age? It is. Trust me. It so is. But it's fucking rare, if you got it, ever ever let it go. 

I don't think I have to disect Betty Lou's gettin' out tonight'' do I? We were all Betty Lou at some point. Young, rebellious, fed up with our small minded towns or surroundings just wishing to escape. I mean I grew out of my teen angst but the feelings remained, I still wish I could get away more often then not. Betty Betty, with friends who enjoy their mundane lives, their kinder kuche kirche routine, and her, a wild spirit that wants to explore and get away, see the world, have adventures, I get you Betty, fuck societys rules and expectations and live the life non of us could. She's fictional so who else can do it if not her? Are there songs out there btw who don't dream but do? So many small town situations that crave to escape but are there songs of people who got out and are living the best life? Send them my way if you know them, I am a sucker for happy endings. The both kinds ;) 

''Fire lake'' is sorta a sequel to Betty Lou but in a bad way, there's no happy end. It's a place to escape when everyday life is too much, when things didn't turn the way you wanted or hoped for, aka you didn't get to run away but rather got stuck in some limbo that feels like purgatory most days...and all your dreams are slowly dying (this is a song isn't it...another song...about dying dreams?)...I think this is something we all experience, we all have our own dreams, some are big, some are small, some, like children in Gaza and their dreams, make us look like ungrateful assholes, but mostly I'm learning, no matter how hard you want something, and no matter how hard you work for, some things are just so impossible to reach. I'm not here to bring you down btw, you should never ever never let go of your dreams or stop chasing them because then they really will never come true, I'm just saying that things are becoming harder and harder. But that's exactly what Fire lake is, a song about acceptance and redemption and creating a new beginning, it might not be what you hoped for but it's a start. 

The album closes with ''Shinin' brightly''. And despite me being the ''spare Addams'' and a literal dark stormy cloud...I still like the positivity that radiates from this song. It's essentially about a relationship, of course as I said above the hopeless romantic in me lives for happy endings when those that are meant to be find their way back to each other. But I like to look at it in a bigger picture too, everything is gonna be okay in life too not just love. It's essentially written about hope, a better tomorrow, a happier future for the couple, everything will be okay right? The dark clouds have disappeared and we'll feel better again. A positive message we all need to hear when we're at a low point or just having a bad day. I see it as reasurrance that it can't in fact rain forever, and all our struggles are just temporary. Like GN'R say in my fave verse ''so nevermind the darkness we still can find a way''. That. There's always light even in the darkest period in your life, there is always that light present you just have to find it, and if you can't, you have to be the light, you have to do better, we owe it to this world, that we completely devastated, to be fucking better. I know better than anyone how this is easier said than done believe me. And I know it's easy to give up, and you don't have the strength to fight everyday, and that's okay but overall we can never surrender and never stop fighting for a better tomorrow, for them ''shinin' brightly'' days. We can't let the bastards win, right Gee? 

Anyways I made this longer than I intended but then again I am incapable of making anything short. You should ask my friends and their novel length emails I write, about everything and nothing. Actually feeling blessed they're not done with me yet. 

So what do you guys think? Does the true amore, the one you'd die for still exist? Morticia and Gomez style I mean. Is Bob Seger underrated? What is art really? In your own words...how do you feel about this album? I'd love to hear your opinion for a change. Alas it's Wednesday, or as I like to call it Wineday so cheers to that and to the end of the week. We got this. 

Čisti dopamin.